Marieke Everywhere

The Plan

This morning my husband and I met with our RE to go over our test results and talk about The Plan to get me pregnant. There were no surprises and we have a bit of work to do before we can move forward with ovulation induction, but I feel very encouraged.

The Results:

• Normal HSG
• Normal Thyroid
• Normal Sperm Analysis
• Elevated Glucose
• Elevated 'bad' cholesterol

The Plan:

• Loose 30 pounds
• Go back on Metformin (1500mg/day)
• Ovulation induction when I reach my goal weight

How I am going to do it:

• 'Old Fashioned' Diet and Exercise
• • Weight Watchers (I just signed up this week)
  • Elliptical 4 times a week
  • Hiking once a week
  • Pilates once a week
  • Yoga once a week
  • Gardening once a week
  • More walking

In the meantime:

I am just going to focus on living my life to the fullest and improving my over all health - I've already made a good start, all I need to do is keep it up! (Easier said than done right?)

This cracked my shit up....

From Ready to be a mom, Fertility Madlibs:

Your First Visit to the Reproductive Endocrinologist

Your first visit to a Fertility Specialist, also known as a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE), can be [annoying] (1: An emotion). But don't worry! Your RE can be your first step in finding both the cause of and solution to your infertility. Infertility problems can make you feel [silly] (2: An emotion) or [hopeful] (3: An emotion), however a good RE will take time to address these feelings. The RE may then do an examination of your [nostril] (4: Body part) visually or by using an ultrasound. The RE may also examine your partner's [hoo ha] (5: Body part) for any signs of abnormality. The doctor will ask you some pretty personal questions, like if your cervical mucus is [smelly] (6: Adjective) and [turquoise] (7: Color), and if your menstruation looks [splotchy] (8: Adjective). The doctor may suggest that you have intercourse [fiercely] (9: Adverb) rather than [mysteriously] (10: Adverb), and for you to [scuba dive] (11: Verb) after intercourse. And don't feel bad if you have fertility challenges, even famous celebrities like [Oprah] (12: Famous Celebrity) have received infertility treatment. The most important is to keep a [sticky] (13: Adjective) attitude, and turn to your [geese] (14: Plural noun) for support. Good luck in your journey!

The best is yet to come

This morning my husband and I had our first appointment with our new Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE).

It went really well. So much better than I had expected in fact. Mostly because I had gotten myself all worked up about it and created all these scenarios wherein the doctor would take one look at me and say "sorry - we can't help you". Luckily, I have a very patient and caring husband who reassured me last night. When I asked him "Is this the right thing to do?" he said "Of course it is." When I said "I'm already so full of anxiety - will I have the strength to do this?" he said "Of course you do." I am also fortunate that because of the internet, I can connect with so many other women out there who are going through the SAME EXACT THING that I am - Like the lovely lady over at Creating HackSpawn. I honestly don't know if I would have even considered going down this path if I hadn't found these people. Knowing that I am not alone is incredibly helpful.

So the appointment was pretty basic - filled out lots of forms, talked, did an Intra-vaginal ultrasound (ugh), talked some more. The RE confirmed everything that I already pretty much knew: I have PCOS - there are many cysts in my ovaries - I don't ovulate on my own - It's hard for me to loose weight - yadda yadda. I'm pretty much your classic PCOS patient which was - in a way - great to hear from the man who will be my doctor through the next i dunno how many months (years?). The fact that he has seen and treated so many other women like me is a HUGE relief. And, of course, he never once cast a judgmental eye on me (Can you tell I've had some pretty bad experiences with doctors?).

So the plan now is for me to take a bunch of blood tests tomorrow and a genetic test - Gabe gets his swimmers analyzed  - and in a couple of weeks, i get to go back for an HSG which sounds like soooooo not fun. Then we all meet up again and talk about The Plan which will be some form of ovulation induction - what kind depends on the outcome of all these tests.

I am both excited and terrified by what lays ahead. I figure that is pretty much the way life is thought, isn't it?

Jumping on the Bandwagon

Like millions of other Americans, I am resolving to loose weight this year. Not because I want to be thin - that's never going to happen and I'm OK with that. Not to fit into cute clothes (I have PLENTY of clothes - just ask my husband). Not for health - I AM healthy. Not because society tells me that I must loose weight or else die - Society can kiss my fat ass. The reason I want to loose weight this year is so that I can have a baby. I know that loosing weight will not spontaneously fix my PCOS and allow me to fall pregnant naturally (I was equally infertile 60 lbs ago) - but loosing weight will make pregnancy less stressful on my body. I am already carrying a lot of body around - adding more at this point would probably push me past the limit of what I can handle healthfully. I am healthy now at the weight I am maintaining but I don't think my health would maintain if I did add weight - as I must to be pregnant. I also suspect that when I start infertility treatments in the coming months, that doctors will take me more seriously and be more willing to treat me if I 'cooperate' through weight loss - such is the case with western medicine. I might be preparing myself for fat prejudice that will not come - but my experience with doctors thus far tells me to be prepared.

So, I'm keeping my weight loss goal pretty reasonable - 30 lbs in however long it takes me to loose 30 lbs. At 30 lbs lighter I am still going to be a 'plus sized' woman - and that's ok. I'm not going to drastically change my diet because that is already veggie heavy and carb light. Instead - I am simply going to exercise. We have an elliptical machine that I haven't been on much in the past 6 months since we moved into our house - so I'm going to get on that again - everyday for 30-60 minutes. Also, a pilates studio has opened in my town and will be offering mat classes in Feb. I LOVED pilates when I took classes a few years ago so it'll be great to get back to it. Plus, it will give me more of the social interaction I need.

So there you have it - my cliche of a New Years Resolution. But my motivation is pretty strong - My desire to fulfill my destiny as a mother - to bring a new life into this crazy crazy world.

PCOS Treatment Update

For the past 2 months I've been taking an all natural approach to treating my PCOS and Infertility. I've done alot of research on the internet, PCOS message boards, and read a few book, including The Infertility Cure which have all helped me to create a treatment plan that I feel comfortable trying on my own.

For the first month, I took a number of herbal supplements that are made to support the Liver, Kidney, Adrenal, and Reproductive systems as well as started going to acupuncture weekly.

For the second month, I took Agestyn to induce my period and then took Licorice and Peony supplements from CD 3-7 (like you would clomid) to try and induce ovulation. I also spent the good part of the month sick with some kind of head cold and consequently took Mucinex everyday - something that a lot of people on message boards recommend to help thin CM. I've also been continuing my weekly acupuncture sessions.

For the most part, I've just been crossing my fingers and hoping that something good happens - not knowing if it will or not. Since I've been basically annovulatory my whole life and am not sure if I have ever ovulated on my own - I would consider a success ANY evidence of hormone regulation.

2 days ago, something pretty major happened:

Night-sweats - Woke up this AM covered in sweat. For me, this happens when there is a surge of Progesterone in my body. Therefore, I am inferring that this surge of Progesterone is coming from the corpus luteum.

BIG rise in BBT - along with the night sweats, I had a BIG rise in my BBT the other AM.  My BBT is usually pretty low - 96.3-96.5. Yesterday AM it was 97.5. This AM it was still elevated at 96.9.

From what I've read, I may have missed my chance to conceive this month since the thermal shift isn't supposed to occur until a day after Ovulation. And if there aren't any little guys around to fertilize the ovum, then it can die in as little as 6 hours! Since we were both feeling a little under the weather, we didn't DTD on the days leading up to my suspected Ovulation. However, we did yesterday in case it wasn't too late. Still, if this month isn't THE month, I am going to try again next month and get a OPK to help me time the best days to conceive.

I'm feeling pretty good that I'm doing the right thing and pretty impressed with my body's response to natural remedies. It gives me a lot of respect for what my body can do - I just can't wait for it to do more!

In Mother Nature's Hands

So as you may already know, I want a baby. Like, yesterday. BUT, I am unable to have one on my own because I have PCOS. I began taking Metformin in March (a popular treatment for PCOS) but have not begun to ovulate on my own. I have set a date of September to begin infertility treatment - i.e. hormones but I'm not too keen on this plan so I visited a Naturopathic Doctor this week (I had tons to choose from, this being Seattle and all). I've never been to a Naturopath before and I don't know that any treatment plan I go on at the hands of my new doctor will necessarily help - but it certainly can't hurt. My personal goal is to have options other than those provided by western medicine. If I see progress in the next few months - great! If not, then I can always continue on with fertility treatments with my western doctors.

I don't know the full details of what she has in store for me yet but she has already referred me to a chiropractor and an acupuncturist. I was getting both of these treatments before moving to Seattle, so I feel totally comfortable with continuing that here. So far this week, she has me keeping a food diary where I have to list what I ate and how I feel about it. I have kept food diaries in the past while dieting but I have to say that this time around it is eye opening in a completely different way. In the past, I logged what I ate because I was counting calories. I gave little to no thought about what the food was or how it affected me as long as it brought me in under my daily allowance. This time around, the focus is on the food and how it interacts with me. Noticing how I feel physically and emotionally after eating is something I have never really done. So far, I've noticed that certain foods - or combinations of foods - make me a little phlegmy and wheezy. I have a feeling that when I meet with her again next week that these foods will be considered verboten: Cheese and wheat (goodbye pizza).

In any case, I remain hopeful. At the very least, my overall health will be improved in a way that will complement any fertility treatments I may undergo. At best, I wont need fertility treatments at all.

Fingers crossed.

Jealousy

I work with a lot of people in my age group. As a consequence, there have been a lot of baby announcements recently. I am, of course, really happy for my co-workers but I also cannot help feel extremely jealous of them. They were able to decide that they wanted to have a child and then achieve that goal with ease. Whereas I still have not ovulated and do not know if I will even do so on my own. I'm starting to see all these growing bellies and little cherub faces all around me and I feel left out and left behind. I want this so bad. Life is so totally unfair.

Why I'm totally not getting any work done today...

So I went in to see my new Lady Doctor today to get the annual probe and scrape done as well as talk about my fertility issues (or rather my infertility issues) and came away armed with some dangerous knowledge (because I am a total hypochondriac). She believes that I have PCOS and that is why I have been unable to get knocked up in spite of my lack of trying these past 2 years. This afternoon I am getting an ultrasound and some blood work done to try and confirm her suspicions. She's also starting me on Metformin (a diabetes drug) because it is believed that PCOS is caused by insulin resistance like diabetes. So I'll basically be spending the next several days on the web reading everything I can about PCOS...and maybe freaking out a bit (I should probably refill my script for Xanax while I'm at it) which should make for some nice light entertainment (or annoyance if you are my husband). But I'm actually kinda hopeful that this could be the answer I've been looking for. But I won't have a conclusive answer for a month....

In the meantime, please enjoy this mildly NSFW image of an illustrated woman's effed up lady bits:

Wannabe Mommy Blogger

So something really strange happened to me a couple of years ago -  I became baby crazy. It was like a switch was flipped in me overnight making 75% of my brain devoted to thoughts of babies. It kinda drives me crazy that this biological instinct is so strong - like clearly, this is what I was made to do. So it's incredibly frustrating that I've been unable to conceive. In fact, it makes me feel like a great big failure of a woman - which I know is incredibly unfair to myself because I am incredibly capable of doing many other things well. But this one thing - this thing of all things that I am supposed to be able to do - that so many other women do effortlessly - I just can't seem to do. And yet, the desire to have a baby isn't any less. It seems like a awfully cruel joke. So, I made the decision recently to seek fertility help, which, hopefully a PCOS diagnosis (fingers crossed) will give direction to. I just want a shot at it, you know? Plus, ever since we saw Idiocracy, i've been pretty determined that we need to procreate - like, a lot.

On the other hand, I know I need to face the reality that we may not be able to make a baby together. Then what? Seems I have 2 choices, adopt (which we may do anyway) or be childless. Being childless wouldn't be the end of the world. We still have our puppies to love and spoil and we would have more time and money.  In fact, I recently came across a website called Childfree by Choice. I'm interested in people who make the proactive decision not to have children - why? what are their reasons? and how do they (women in particular) sublimate their biological desire to have children? I don't think being childfree by choice is for me - I still think the benefits outweigh the perceived disadvantages. I'm going to give it my all but if it doesn't happen, then it doesn't happen.

Besides, don't you think Gabe and I would make a gorgeous person combined?

i give up

Do normal people feel like crap when they eat sugar? Ever since I've been on the Metformin, I get sick if I eat ANY candy or refined carbs. I keep trying (stupidly) but it keeps back-firing. I guess it's time for me to get the message and lay off the sugar (it's not like I'm bingeing on it, but I can't even have 3 M&M's without feel ooky). This sucks. WHINE.