Marieke Everywhere

I'm just going to come right out and say it...

We're gunna get one of these. Not because we need it - but because it is the fucking shit!

The best is yet to come

This morning my husband and I had our first appointment with our new Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE).

It went really well. So much better than I had expected in fact. Mostly because I had gotten myself all worked up about it and created all these scenarios wherein the doctor would take one look at me and say "sorry - we can't help you". Luckily, I have a very patient and caring husband who reassured me last night. When I asked him "Is this the right thing to do?" he said "Of course it is." When I said "I'm already so full of anxiety - will I have the strength to do this?" he said "Of course you do." I am also fortunate that because of the internet, I can connect with so many other women out there who are going through the SAME EXACT THING that I am - Like the lovely lady over at Creating HackSpawn. I honestly don't know if I would have even considered going down this path if I hadn't found these people. Knowing that I am not alone is incredibly helpful.

So the appointment was pretty basic - filled out lots of forms, talked, did an Intra-vaginal ultrasound (ugh), talked some more. The RE confirmed everything that I already pretty much knew: I have PCOS - there are many cysts in my ovaries - I don't ovulate on my own - It's hard for me to loose weight - yadda yadda. I'm pretty much your classic PCOS patient which was - in a way - great to hear from the man who will be my doctor through the next i dunno how many months (years?). The fact that he has seen and treated so many other women like me is a HUGE relief. And, of course, he never once cast a judgmental eye on me (Can you tell I've had some pretty bad experiences with doctors?).

So the plan now is for me to take a bunch of blood tests tomorrow and a genetic test - Gabe gets his swimmers analyzed  - and in a couple of weeks, i get to go back for an HSG which sounds like soooooo not fun. Then we all meet up again and talk about The Plan which will be some form of ovulation induction - what kind depends on the outcome of all these tests.

I am both excited and terrified by what lays ahead. I figure that is pretty much the way life is thought, isn't it?

Freedom from my mind

I have been an anxious person all my life. In my mid 20's it got so bad that I sought treatment for the first time. I went on Zoloft and that helped stabilize my anxiety enough to help me carry on with my life. However, over the years, I've continued to have panic attacks as the result of getting stuck in vicious thought patterns. I have tried in vain, on my own, to 'fix' this 'problem'. Some things have helped (Acupuncture, Meditation, and other relaxation methods) but nothing ever helped me change the thought processes that made me so anxious the first place. I knew I needed some kind of help but  I resisted going back into therapy because just talking about my anxiety was never very helpful - indeed it was more counterproductive. Recently, after a particularly bad panic attack, my husband encouraged me to seek help once again. With the help of Google, I found the Anxiety and Stress Reduction Treatment Center of Seattle which helps people through a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy approach. More than anything else I have tried - this looked like it could give me the tools I have always been missing to cope with my counterproductive thought patterns and anxiety. Last week I had an exhaustive and exhausting 2 hour intake session. Today I had my first 'working' session. During my session today we went through a Thought Log (like this one: http://oscarresourceplone.oscartools.org/familypractice/mental-health/handout_cognitivebehtherapy.pdf) using a bothersome thought that I often have: "If I make a mistake at work, that means I am incompetent". We worked through this thought process rationally - accessing the evidence to back this thought up, the evidence to counter this thought, and an alternative/more balanced thought. This may seem like obvious stuff to some but for me it was a major breakthrough. I have NEVER been able to work my way through a thought like this on my own before. I have NEVER been able to set aside my emotionally based thoughts and come to a rationally based conclusion. NEVER. Being able to do this under an hour is session today was mind blowing. I feel like I have finally found one of the tools I have been missing all this time. If only I had known how to do this as a teenager! Heck! As a CHILD! But at least I'm starting now. And I know that with practice and a few more tools in my tool-belt, that the future is so much brighter for me. I have found the keys to my own personal freedom from myself. And I feel like I'm soaring.

Forward thinking...

My hubs is on the verge of being able to quit his crappy contractor job for a great new position This is huge for us because it means our income will go back to what it was 6 months ago and will allow us to do a lot of the things we have been putting off. Here's a list of the things I am looking forward to being able to do once our income levels out:

1. Art classes at Pratt Fine Arts
2. Cello Lessons
3. More day trips to Powell's in Portland
4. Reupholster the chair that Lily clawed
5. Enroll in a Project Management Certification course
6. gardening

It's going to be a really busy and really awesome summer.

Give it away! Give it away! Give it away, now!

This is going to sounds crazy - but I swear to you this is for real...

How to get rid of hiccups: Give them to an inanimate object. Find an inanimate object, look at it, and think about giving your hiccups to it. In a matter of seconds, your hiccups will dissipate.

My coworker taught me this and it works like a charm - every time.

I used to be very hiccup prone - I would get huge, PAINFUL, and impossible to get rid of hiccups. I tried everything i heard of to get rid of them to no avail - scaring myself, holding my adam's apple, poking my fingers into my ribs, inhaling slowly, drinking water, hanging from a door frame - they all work for shit.

The next time you get the hiccups, give this a try.

Jumping on the Bandwagon

Like millions of other Americans, I am resolving to loose weight this year. Not because I want to be thin - that's never going to happen and I'm OK with that. Not to fit into cute clothes (I have PLENTY of clothes - just ask my husband). Not for health - I AM healthy. Not because society tells me that I must loose weight or else die - Society can kiss my fat ass. The reason I want to loose weight this year is so that I can have a baby. I know that loosing weight will not spontaneously fix my PCOS and allow me to fall pregnant naturally (I was equally infertile 60 lbs ago) - but loosing weight will make pregnancy less stressful on my body. I am already carrying a lot of body around - adding more at this point would probably push me past the limit of what I can handle healthfully. I am healthy now at the weight I am maintaining but I don't think my health would maintain if I did add weight - as I must to be pregnant. I also suspect that when I start infertility treatments in the coming months, that doctors will take me more seriously and be more willing to treat me if I 'cooperate' through weight loss - such is the case with western medicine. I might be preparing myself for fat prejudice that will not come - but my experience with doctors thus far tells me to be prepared.

So, I'm keeping my weight loss goal pretty reasonable - 30 lbs in however long it takes me to loose 30 lbs. At 30 lbs lighter I am still going to be a 'plus sized' woman - and that's ok. I'm not going to drastically change my diet because that is already veggie heavy and carb light. Instead - I am simply going to exercise. We have an elliptical machine that I haven't been on much in the past 6 months since we moved into our house - so I'm going to get on that again - everyday for 30-60 minutes. Also, a pilates studio has opened in my town and will be offering mat classes in Feb. I LOVED pilates when I took classes a few years ago so it'll be great to get back to it. Plus, it will give me more of the social interaction I need.

So there you have it - my cliche of a New Years Resolution. But my motivation is pretty strong - My desire to fulfill my destiny as a mother - to bring a new life into this crazy crazy world.

PCOS Treatment Update

For the past 2 months I've been taking an all natural approach to treating my PCOS and Infertility. I've done alot of research on the internet, PCOS message boards, and read a few book, including The Infertility Cure which have all helped me to create a treatment plan that I feel comfortable trying on my own.

For the first month, I took a number of herbal supplements that are made to support the Liver, Kidney, Adrenal, and Reproductive systems as well as started going to acupuncture weekly.

For the second month, I took Agestyn to induce my period and then took Licorice and Peony supplements from CD 3-7 (like you would clomid) to try and induce ovulation. I also spent the good part of the month sick with some kind of head cold and consequently took Mucinex everyday - something that a lot of people on message boards recommend to help thin CM. I've also been continuing my weekly acupuncture sessions.

For the most part, I've just been crossing my fingers and hoping that something good happens - not knowing if it will or not. Since I've been basically annovulatory my whole life and am not sure if I have ever ovulated on my own - I would consider a success ANY evidence of hormone regulation.

2 days ago, something pretty major happened:

Night-sweats - Woke up this AM covered in sweat. For me, this happens when there is a surge of Progesterone in my body. Therefore, I am inferring that this surge of Progesterone is coming from the corpus luteum.

BIG rise in BBT - along with the night sweats, I had a BIG rise in my BBT the other AM.  My BBT is usually pretty low - 96.3-96.5. Yesterday AM it was 97.5. This AM it was still elevated at 96.9.

From what I've read, I may have missed my chance to conceive this month since the thermal shift isn't supposed to occur until a day after Ovulation. And if there aren't any little guys around to fertilize the ovum, then it can die in as little as 6 hours! Since we were both feeling a little under the weather, we didn't DTD on the days leading up to my suspected Ovulation. However, we did yesterday in case it wasn't too late. Still, if this month isn't THE month, I am going to try again next month and get a OPK to help me time the best days to conceive.

I'm feeling pretty good that I'm doing the right thing and pretty impressed with my body's response to natural remedies. It gives me a lot of respect for what my body can do - I just can't wait for it to do more!

A Special Message from my Soapbox

My husband, Gabe, has Crohn's Disease - a chronic disease that requires a lot of expensive tests, medicine, and hospital visits. Every 6-8 weeks we pay $500 so that Gabe can get the medical treatments he needs to stay out of the hospital - That is what we have to pay AFTER insurance. Even with that, he has been hospitalized 5 times which has cost us thousands more dollars.  Although this has been a financial burden to us, we are lucky that we at least have insurance to cover most of the cost and that we can pay our bills. Even so, there was a time last year that we almost declared bankruptcy because we had over $20K in medical bills that our insurance company was refusing to cover! It took several scary months to get this sorted out. I can't imagine what we would do without health insurance. Actually, I do know: Either we would go broke trying to pay for his treatments or he wouldn't be able to get the treatments which means he'd be MUCH sicker and possibly unable to work. We are lucky. Much luckier than the millions of people in this country (The Greatest Country in the World?) who don't have health insurance or who can't afford the bills they have even with health insurance.  In fact, a recent study by the American Journal of Public Health finds that more than 44,000 people die each year from lack of health insurance. Uninsured people have a 40% higher mortality rate than the insured. Why do we allow this to happen? 

No matter what your political leanings are - I hope that we can all agree that everyone deserves access to medicine that could save their life -  Everyone deserves access to healthcare. We have the opportunity to begin to correct this by supporting the Public Option. We cannot allow this opportunity to pass us by. Please take a moment to contact your representative and your senator to tell them to support the Public Option.

Please email your rep:

https://writerep.house.gov/writerep/welcome.shtml

and your senators:

http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_cfm.cfm

And please - ask your family and friends to do the same.

Thank you for listening.

-Marieke

She's much more fun when she's unconscious.

via www.flickr.com

"What are you trying to do?...Stop."

Finally!: Heart And Star Shaped Cucumbers - Geekologie

via www.geekologie.com

My sentiments exactly.